


Devastating Loss

by omgsynecdoche



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Azumane Asahi-centric, Insecure Azumane Asahi, Internal Monologue, Loss, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:54:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27367609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/omgsynecdoche/pseuds/omgsynecdoche
Summary: Karasuno had just lost to Date Tech. And just like that, they were out of the court.Asahi had never felt more useless in his life. What good was he to the team when he couldn’t score?He had lost them the game. But Asahi felt like he lost so much more.
Relationships: Azumane Asahi & Sawamura Daichi & Sugawara Koushi, Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu
Kudos: 34
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	Devastating Loss

**Author's Note:**

> This is an entry to Haikyuu Angst Week 2020.
> 
> Day 3: "I can't lose you too."
> 
> Also, disclaimer: A portion of this fic is lifted from Chapter 20 of the manga.

Asahi clenched his jaw so hard, he felt like his teeth were going to break.  
  
They had just lost to Date Tech. And just like that, Karasuno was out of the court.  
  
He climbed aboard the bus wordlessly, not paying attention to anyone else. He sat himself down on the first seat he laid his eyes on and stared at the back of the seat in front of him.  
  
The scenes kept playing themselves over and over in Asahi’s head. No matter what he did, he couldn’t get through the wall.  
  
Asahi had never felt more useless in his life. What good was he to the team when he couldn’t score?  
  
_What kind of ace am I?_  
  
Asahi looked up just as Nishinoya climbed aboard the bus. The usual glint in the libero’s eyes was absent, replaced by something dark and ugly. Nishinoya was angry. And his anger was directed first at Date Tech, and next, at Asahi. He was sure of it.  
  
_Why wouldn’t he blame me?_  
  
Asahi saw Daichi as the newly-minted captain walked past him. Asahi followed with his eyes until Daichi settled himself on a seat at the very last row of the bus. When he faced forward again, he saw that Suga had sat in the row in front of him.  
  
Asahi hung his head low. He couldn’t face his best friends. Suga had given him the most perfect tosses. The ball was right where he wanted it to be. His eyes were glued to it, his aim sure, his arm ready for the spike.  
  
But no matter how many times he attacked, the enemy was stronger.  
  
Asahi couldn’t get the ball past the wall. Whatever he did, he couldn’t do it.  
  
So he stopped calling for the toss.  
  
Even though he saw Suga, poised to give him the best set-up for the strongest attack, he didn’t call for it.  
  
_It’s my fault. Why wouldn’t anyone blame me?_  
  
In the end, Daichi had to step in. Daichi was hitting the ball two out of the three times in a rally, first delivering to Suga, and then punching the attack.  
  
Asahi had let Suga and Daichi down. He had let the entire team down.  
  
_What kind of ace am I?_  
  
Asahi felt the bus finally move and he stared out the window. Honestly, he just wanted to fling himself out of it. It was a good thing he would never fit.  
  
Asahi stole a glance behind, where Nishinoya had already fallen asleep, brows still furrowed in frustration. From where he sat, Asahi could see a large, dark bruise on Nishinoya’s left shin, and another on his right forearm.  
  
_Those are brand new. He got those because of me._  
  
Asahi faced forward again, gripping the seat of the bus.  
  
No matter how many times Nishinoya retrieved the ball, Asahi couldn’t score. Nishinoya’s beautiful body was now banged up, and they had nothing to show for it.  
  
_What kind of ace am I?_  
  
In desperate times, the team relied on the ace. The ace could power through anything to deliver the attack and win a point.  
  
Asahi couldn’t do that.  
  
He wasn’t an ace.  
  
He was a loser.  
  
He didn’t deserve to be called “Karasuno’s ace”. He didn’t deserve Daichi and Suga.  
  
He didn’t deserve Nishinoya. He didn’t deserve the boy’s unwavering faith in Karasuno’s ace.  
  
He couldn’t do _shit_.  
  
Asahi recognized defeat when he saw it. And this one was staring him straight in the face, had even punched him squarely on the nose.  
  
The bus finally stopped at Karasuno. The boys all climbed off and shuffled into the gym. They had left the net up and they had to clean up before calling it a day.  
  
The air was heavy. No one could blame them, though. It was a devastating loss.  
  
Nishinoya entered the equipment room just as Asahi was returning the folded-up net.  
  
_“Damn it!”_  
  
Nishinoya had thrown the mop across the room. Asahi could hear him heaving, but he didn’t turn around.  
  
And then Asahi heard Nishinoya blaming himself. That he couldn’t follow up on Date Tech’s blocks.  
  
What the fuck was Nishinoya talking about? Nishinoya was perfect. He was a splendid libero. He had retrieved all those blocks and put them back in the air. It was Asahi who couldn’t deliver.  
  
It was Asahi’s fault. Not Nishinoya’s.  
  
Asahi couldn’t take it. He whirled around. All his anger and frustration rose to the surface and exploded out of his mouth.  
  
_“Why aren’t you blaming me?”_ he shouted. _“It’s my fault we lost!”_  
  
Nishinoya’s chest was heaving, his eyes were angry, but he didn’t flinch when Asahi shouted.  
  
“No matter how many balls you recover, it’s meaningless if I can’t get a spike through!”  
  
Asahi saw Nishinoya’s eyes burn with rage.  
  
“Meaningless?” Nishinoya started slowly. “What do you mean, ‘meaningless’?” His voice was filled with anger now.  
  
The next thing Asahi knew, he was in a shouting match with Nishinoya. Nishinoya’s hands were on the lapels of Asahi's jacket, gripping them so tight his knuckles were turning white.  
  
_“Don’t you dare give up on a ball that I’ve recovered!”_ Nishinoya hollered straight at Asahi’s face.  
  
Everything was a blur to Asahi. The mop that Nishinoya had earlier tossed across the room was now snapped into two. Nishinoya had let go of his jacket, Tanaka holding him back. Daichi and Suga were watching, powerless to do anything.  
  
And then Asahi heard Nishinoya say, “Selfishly giving up is something I can’t forgive.”  
  
Those words pierced Asahi like a thousand cuts. It was more devastating than the loss to Date Tech. His heart shattered.  
  
Asahi knew that he had chickened out in the middle of the match. He knew that he had given up.  
  
He didn’t know that Nishinoya would never forgive him for it. But he should have known. He let Nishinoya down. His beautiful, perfect libero. Asahi had let him down.  
  
_I already lost us the game. I can’t lose you too._  
  
But he already had. Because now Nishinoya couldn’t forgive him. _Would not_ forgive him.  
  
There was nothing else to do, so Asahi walked out of the equipment room and out of the gym.  
  
Asahi skipped morning practice the next day. What was the point? He couldn’t deliver an attack. There was no point in staying.  
  
_Nishinoya will never forgive me. There’s no point in staying._  
  
_I’ve lost him._  
  
Instead, Asahi waited outside Suga’s classroom. He stood facing the window, looking out at the courtyard where the students were starting to file in for their first periods.  
  
“Asahi?”  
  
Asahi turned around. Suga’s hair was still slightly damp, his usual cowlick weighed down for now.  
  
“Suga.”  
  
“Why weren’t you at practice this morning?”  
  
Asahi bowed his head. “I can’t do it anymore, Suga.”  
  
“What are you talking about?” he could hear the change in Suga’s tone. Suga wasn’t angry, not exactly. But his tone hurt Asahi all over again.  
  
“After yesterday’s game, I can’t call myself the ace,” Asahi explained, lifting his head to face Suga. He had to do this properly. “When we’re backed in a corner, the team relies on the ace to bring it home. But I can’t do that. I’ll only bring the team down.”  
  
Asahi paused.  
  
“So I’m quitting.”  
  
_“What?”_  
  
“I’m sorry, Suga. My decision is final.” Asahi looked at Suga square in the eye.  
  
Something flickered in Suga’s expression. Was it anger? Disappointment? Asahi didn’t quite catch it. Suga’s tone didn’t give it away either.  
  
“Have you told Daichi?”  
  
“Erm…” Okay, so maybe Asahi couldn’t do this _properly_ , exactly. He couldn’t face Daichi. His unbearable shame aside, Daichi was just scary.  
  
“I was hoping you could just pass the message along to Daichi.”  
  
Suga scoffed. “Nope. It’s your decision, you’re gonna have to tell him.”  
  
Asahi knew it. But it was worth a try.  
  
Suga’s expression changed again, and this time it was more obvious, and it lingered. His eyes were soft and concerned, and so was his voice.  
  
“Have you told Noya?”  
  
Asahi swallowed and stuffed his hands into his pockets. “No. And I don’t intend to.”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“I’m personally telling only you,” Asahi said. “Well, you and Daichi. Just because we’ve been through everything together. I owe you that much.”  
  
“And you don’t think you owe Noya the same courtesy?”  
  
Asahi sighed and gave Suga a small, sad smile. “Maybe I do, but he made his position very clear yesterday. He will never forgive me. So I’m sure he will never want to see me again.”  
  
Asahi turned and walked away towards his classroom.  
  
He was sure that Nishinoya would never want to see him again, would never want to do anything with him ever.  
  
He was mistaken.  
  
The next morning, Asahi found Nishinoya waiting for him outside his classroom. Asahi stopped dead in his tracks as soon as he spotted the boy. His hair was perfectly styled on top of his head, a few strands of the blond stripe falling onto his forehead. The gakuran suited him very well, as usual. It was a sight that always made Asahi’s heart beat a little faster.  
  
“Asahi-san.” Nishinoya took a few steps forward to lessen the distance between them. His tone was curt, and it slashed Asahi’s heart like a knife. “We already lost the game. We can’t lose you too.”  
  
_I can’t lose you too, Noya._  
  
“I’m sorry, Noya. I can’t do this anymore.”  
  
Asahi stepped to the side and walked towards his classroom, leaving Nishinoya behind.  
  
_But I already have._

**Author's Note:**

> This was surprisingly easy to write. Pining Asahi is my favorite Asahi.
> 
> Please leave kudos and comments if you liked this! Your love keeps me writing. Thank you. <3


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